There are a few moments from my childhood that stick out to me. One of them is of my mom chastising me for always keeping things inside. She wanted me to express myself, express my feelings more.
I’ve been struggling with this more than I thought.
I’ve been stuck these past few years. In many ways, it feels as though I grown so much. Yet in others, I can feel my regression and it frustrates me. But, why? Why has my growth been so stagnant?
I haven’t been putting myself out there. Fear of being treated differently and of being misjudged lead me to hide away parts of myself. Fear of failure and just overall discouragement has been my excuse for not creating or sharing my art.
I’ve become so comfortable with keeping things to myself－my inner struggles included. Now there seems to be a gap between who I see myself as and who I actually am. That gap, I want to shorten it as much as possible. Or completely remove it even.
Putting myself out there, I think, is one of the key habits to reaching that.
Because I don’t say the things I want to say. I don’t write the things I want to write. I don’t take the photos I want to take. I don’t paint the paintings I want to paint.
I’m not the person I want to be.
The person I am today is a censored version.
That shouldn’t be the case. We all deserve to be who we truly are, rather than hiding away parts of ourselves.
We can’t move forward if we don’t change. And for me, putting myself out there is a new change that I need to embrace in order to grow as a person.